It is almost time for my 6 month follow up appointment with my oncologist Dr.Bloom. I cannot believe it has already been 6 months. A lot has happened since my last day of chemo back on Christmas Eve 2014! One of the most obvious is hair!!! I now have hair. I finally got my fist haircut to try and make it look a little decent. Part of me wanted to just let my hair grow and not touch it. I love my haircut but short hair isn’t me. I’m used to my long blonde hair. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions with this whole hair thing. First I had to get used to being bald and looking like a cancer patient everywhere I went. I finally got used to that and it really became who I was. Then when my hair grew back in, long enough to not have to wear a wig or scarf, I had to get used to that, whatever that was. A cancer survivor look I guess. Short enough for people to know that it just grew back but long enough to not “look” like a current cancer patient. The transitions are a lot harder than most people think.
I am finding that the hardest part of all of this emotionally is right now. Before, when I was just diagnosed and going through treatments, I was on autopilot. Just drifting along doing what I am supposed to do. Didn’t really have to think much about it. Someone else was there to tell me what to do…doctors. I was constantly being monitored and scanned and checked over. Now all that is up to me. The scariest part is now. I have to really be in tune with how my body feels. I can’t keep getting scanned just for piece of mind so I don’t have that piece of mind anymore. I literally just have to let go and trust that my body will tell me if something is wrong. I’m finding that the stages I am going through are similar to grieving stages. I really am grieving the life I once had. Being a normal healthy young person with a long life ahead of me. I am very grateful that I am still alive, don’t get me wrong, but it is different and it is an adjustment. My first stage was shock and just an over all feeling of numbness to all of this. Now that that is over, I seem to have moved to anger. I’m angry this happened to me. I’m angry it happens to others. I’m very angry when I hear about someone passing away from cancer. This is why I try to not allow myself the time to think. Thinking too much is dangerous. I know this is just a stage though and it will get better with time. I know God has a plan for me. He has a plan, He knows the plan, and it feels good knowing that I just need to trust that things will all work out as planned. I honestly would not have gotten through this without being able to give it all to God and trust that He will take care of it in whatever way that looks like. I am just so thankful to be here and to be given a second chance at life.
This experience has really put life into perspective for me. Slow down. Be in the moment. Be present. Really. Make time for those who matter. Be kind ALWAYS Learn to say no. Put God first. Make family priority. Travel. Laugh a lot. Don’t go to bed mad. Challenge yourself. Face your fears. Grow and ALWAYS learn. Don’t wait for the right time for anything. Take risks. Take care of yourself. Work hard. Play hard. Watch less TV. Its just not worth it in the end. Except for movies like “The Butler” because I just saw Forrest Whitaker at the Los Angelos airport (LAX) about 10 minutes ago and I’m still a little star struck as I’m finishing up this post. lol
Oh and…Forrest Whitaker!