6 month remission!!!!

I am happy to report that my 6 month follow up went just fine!  I did not get any scans since I am not experiencing any symptoms other than my shoulder pain that never fully went away. I did request blood work. My counts are still a little low, however my doc says it’s nothing to worry about. My hair is growing, eyelashes and eyebrows are fully back!

It has officially been 1 year since my diagnosis, I was diagnosed last August. As the weather starts to cool off now, it very much brings me back to the scariest and most unpredictable time of my life. Fall was my favorite season, and still is, however, it feels very different than ever before. This time last year was back to school time for my daughter and off to my first hospital stay for me. I missed her first day of school last year since I was in the hospital receiving my first cancer treatment, I was preparing to fight for my life, the biggest job I have ever been assigned to (other than parenting!), it was a FULL TIME  job and no job since then even compares. I am trying to keep myself as busy as I can for the most part. I have enjoyed my summer with my daughter so much. My time with her is so much more meaningful now than ever before; it’s always been meaningful, but now I try very hard not to take it for granted. Life is so fragile and good health isn’t something promised to us. It can change in the blink of and eye and let me tell you, when you aren’t healthy and don’t feel well day after day after day, it’s hard to enjoy anything. You sit back and watch the world go round and round while yours seems to stand still. I remember being too week to even push a cart through target on my own. I can’t believe how much can change in just one year. It truly amazes me where life can take us. But, no matter where we are in life or where we end up, there are some things that stay consistent throughout,  God, family, and good friends…..everything else comes and goes but these are the things you can always count on. Don’t take them for granted.

One thing I have learned so much through all of this and just as I get older as well, is to trust your gut!!! If something something doesn’t feel right, trust those feelings, whether it has to do with your health, or people, or a situation; go with your gut. A couple posts ago I wrote about a mole on my leg that I was concerned about. I went in to my doc. She said she thought it looked fine. I said remove it anyway (not taking chances here) and it came back abnormal (precancerous). I had to go back in and get a little more removed but now it is fine!  For God sakes I’m 30 years old and I take very good care of my skin! Agh!!!!!!!! I am not worried though. Cancer doesn’t scare me. I have to say when my doc called me back and left a message about it, I was like really???? Is this a joke? You know they only call when it’s bad. And it was the same doctor who called me last August at 6:30 in the morning to tell me that I had a mass on my lung which turned out to be lymphoma. She has a very strong accent and though the word cancer doesn’t  bother me anymore, her voice does….lol. Just because it is now associated with bad news. Maybe I need to switch doctors 😉  It’s just like when you hear a certain song or come across a certain smell that brings you back to a specific time and place, and it’s either a good thing or a bad thing. Anyway, that is a little update on what is going on with me! My hair is growing like crazy! Can’t wait until I can put it in a pony again.  There is so much I have to look forward to in my future I can’t even keep track!! You know what they say, “When life gives you cancer…make lemonade?!”  Something like that anyway!

          

Rainbow Bridge

My uncle (Steve Massie) passed away about a week ago. His celebration of life was on Wednesday.  He was 66 years old. He faught the good fight against cancer, cancer that had started in his bladder and ultimately spread to his leg, muscle and bone. In the beginning, the chemo shrunk the tumor but unfortunatly it stopped working and the tumor began to grow and cause a lot of pain. I learned so much about him at his ceremony.  He chose to have a celebration of life, rather than a “funeral”, at a beautiful nature center close to his home. His two children and wife spoke and shared so many wonderful stories. It was very emotional, but in a happy way. Steve was an animal lover, he requested the poem “The Rainbow Bridge” to be read, this poem is about meeting your pets in heaven. It was so touching for me because I too am an big time animal lover and I did not know that about him. I now know that I definitely inherit that from the Massie side of me. I find it funny that I went to the zoo wednesday afternoon right before his ceremony. I haven’t been to the zoo in years and I had no intention on going. I just woke up and said to my daughter I feel like going to the zoo today. I had been thinking of his passing and wanted to clear my mind and I find it so funny that that is how I chose to do it. The ceremony was wonderful. My cousins, Heather and Traivs shared their hearts and he shined right through them. Steve and his wife Jane have known each other since they were 16 years old. She shared that from the minute she met him she knew he was her soul mate. It was one of the most beautiful things I have heard because it was so incredibly genuine and straight from her heart. It breaks my heart that cancer has taken him from her and it angers me that with all the technology we have today, we can’t figure out how to cure cancer. It’s not right. It’s very hard to have your health taken away from you but I can’t imagine the feeling of having your life taken from you, because of cancer.  All of us who have had cancer have a special connection to each other, and it is incredibly difficult to watch someone fight and fight and run out of options.  It feels personal. It feels defeating. It feels so unfair. Also last week, a young woman I know from one of my cancer groups passed away from the same cancer I had (Primary Mediastinal Large B Cell Lymphoma) and her final post on Facebook was just gut wrenching, what do you say to that? To a woman making her final post that the lymphoma has won. Then her husband made one last post that she will no longer be with us, before shutting her account off. It’s that fast. That quick. After watching her go through this for so long. Expecting the same outcome as me. Offering suggestions. Offering hope. Praying. Cancer has a mind of its own. I just have to keep telling myself that God has a plan for us all. It’s hard. It’s been a tough couple of weeks. One thing that made me very happy this week was when my cousin Heather said to me that her dad (Steve) followed my blog when he was going through his treatments; she thanked me and said it helped him and gave him some hope. Even though I am through with treatments, I have to remember that there are so many out there just starting, just being diagnosed, like myself not long ago, and they are doing exactly what every newly diagnosed person on earth does…ask google! I spent COUNTLESS hours reading blogs and looking for hope and for answers. That is why I started this blog. I still get views every day from all around the world. My journey doesn’t end when my treatments end, there are many questions to be answered. Life after cancer is just as scary, and there are people out there looking for someone to relate to, that is what keeps me going. 

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Walter (Steve) Massie and his wife Jane 

My first haircut after chemo

It is almost time for my 6 month follow up appointment with my oncologist Dr.Bloom. I cannot believe it has already been 6 months. A lot has happened since my last day of chemo back on Christmas Eve 2014! One of the most obvious is hair!!! I now have hair, enough to color and cut. I will post pics below. I finally got my fist haircut, a fohawk!!! I can now check that off my bucket list! Part of me wanted to just let my hair grow and not touch it. It’s been a long time since I have had virgin hair, but, it was growing in really curly and I thought it was time to trim it up a bit and get a style to it so it grows out nicer. So, the whole process took longer than expected but I absolutely love the end result. I decided to color it too. First we did blonde which was an absolute disaster! It turned yellow, literally yellow! It was awful. There was absolutely no way I was leaving the salon like that. So I decided to do exact opposite and go dark!!! Very very dark! And I love it. It’s a really nice color and looks great with the cut, and it’s something I can keep up easily while it grows out long enough to get some foils and get my blonde highlights back in there.  My hair is too short right now to do foils so I’m going to keep it dark until it’s grown out to atleast my shoulders. I can’t wait!!! I love my haircut but short hair isn’t me. I’m used to my long blonde locks!  It’s been a roller coaster of emotions with this whole hair thing. First I had to get used to being bald and looking like a cancer patient everywhere I went. I finally got used to that and it really became who I was. Then when my hair grew back in, long enough to not have to wear a wig or scarf, I had to get used to that, whatever it was. A cancer survivor look I guess. Short enough for people to know that it just grew back but long enough to not “look” like a cancer patient. The transitions are a lot harder than most people think. I have to admit, you get so used to special treatment while having cancer, it is hard when that goes away!  It’s like wait a minute, I’m still special!  It really is hard when that goes away.

I am finding that the hardest part of all of this emotionally is right now. Before, when I was just diagnosed and going through treatments, I was on autopilot. Just drifting along doing what I am supposed to do. Didn’t really have to think much about it. Someone else was there to tell me what to do…doctors. I was constantly being monitored and scanned and checked over. Now all that is up to me. The scariest part is now. I have to really be in tune with how my body feels. I can’t keep getting scanned just for piece of mind so I don’t have that piece of mind anymore. I literally just have to let go and trust that my body will tell me if something is wrong. I’m finding that the stages I am going through are similar to grieving stages. I really am grieving the life I once had. Being a normal healthy young person with a long life ahead of me.  I am very grateful that I am still alive, don’t get me wrong, but it is different and it is an adjustment. My first stage was shock and just an over all feeling of numbness to all of this. Now that that is over, I seem to have moved into a stage of anger. No, I am not moping around angry all day, I try to keep myself very busy which helps a lot, but when given the time and opportunity to think, I’m angry. I’m angry this happened to me. I’m angry it happens to others. I’m very angry when I hear about someone passing away from cancer. I’m angry at the side effects of treatment that I am now starting to experience physically and emotionally. This is why I try to not allow myself the time to think. Thinking too much is dangerous! Ha. I know this is just a stage though and it will get better with time. I know God has big plans for me. He has a plan, He knows the plan, and it feels good knowing that I just need to trust that things will all work out as planned. I honestly would not have gotten through this without being able to give it all to God and trust he will take care of it in whatever way that looks like. I am just so thankful to be here and to be given a second chance at life.

This experience has really put life into perspective for me. Slow down. Be in the moment. Be present. Take time to smell the roses. Really. Make time for those who matter. Be kind always. But don’t be a yes person. Learn to say no. Put God first. Make family priority. Travel. Laugh a lot. Don’t go to bed mad. Challenge yourself. Face your fears. Grow and always learn. Don’t wait for the right time for anything. Meet lots of people. Take risks. Take care of yourself. Work hard. Play hard. Watch less TV. Its just not worth it in the end. Except for great  movies like “The Butler” because I just saw, IN PERSON, Forrest Whitaker at the Los Angelos airport (LAX) about 10 minutes ago and I’m still a little star struck as I’m finishing up this post, so movies are good!! Lol. Not hating on the movies!!! By the way, this was my first vacation since before my diagnosis. First time being on a plane in a long time!  Jon planned a trip for us. It was a surprise. We went to Los Angelos, CA. Had an amazing time. It was so nice to get away. I forgot how much I love traveling!

Anywho, I have to finish up this post now or it will sit here unfinished and I will just forget about it!  My doctor appointment is tomorrow! I will make another post later this week!  

Pics of my hair and trip!

And last but not least…Forrest Whitaker!



Watch out 30’s, just killed my 20’s Haha!

(((Birthday was actually April 28th, I wrote this and forgot to post it. Shocking I know.)))

GOODBYE. NEVER COMING BACK.  NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.  Lots of wonderful things happened in my 20’s but I am so happy to be moving into my 30’s. I’ve never been here before but I’m told it’s great!

Nothing in our future is promised to us. Not tomorrow. Not another birthday, holiday, season or milestone. I never imagined that my 30th birthday would be so much more than just my 30th birthday. I never imagined I would have survived cancer by the time I reached 30 years old. I also never would have imagined the positive impact this would have on me, and it has made celebrating my birthday this year so much more meaningful. At first, I wasn’t sure how to celebrate such an important day. But in the end, more than a big party or going out and spending a bunch of money, just spending time with the people I love is all I wanted. It’s all that matters. And that is what I did. All week. Because when it’s my birthday it’s actually my birthweek! I just can’t cram all that excitement into just a single day! It was a great birthday. Everyone keeps telling me the 30’s are the best and I believe it, no complaints so far. I love seeing people’s jaws drop when I tell them I am 30, since I pretty much don’t look a day over 16! Haha. I plan to keep it that way! I certainly don’t feel 30. I have a feeling 30’s are like the 20’s without all of the drama. Without all the insecurities and uncertainties. More opportunity to be you. Celebrating reaching 30 years old is more like a funeral for my twenties. Goodbye twenties. I will never see you again and I am perfectly okay with that. I feel like I can finally be myself. There is less pressure to mold into what you think society wants you to be.  It’s like a sigh of relief for making it through some of the toughest years of my life. 

Little update on what is going on with me. I will be having my 6 month checkup in July which I am so excited about. It just can’t come soon enough. I just want so badly to go and be told that I am still okay and have nothing to worry about. I have still been a regular at my doctor throughout the past couple months though 😁. I still worry about every little thing. I try really hard not to. Some days are better than others. Every chest pain, cough, bruise, you name it, I’m at the doctor looking for answers. Lol. It just is what it is for awhile anyway I guess. I just had a mole removed that I think looks like cancer. Better safe than sorry. I get my blood checked every so often just for fun. My white blood count is low again which I don’t like but my doctor said not worry. My blood pressure is low and never has been before. I don’t know why. But other than that, I feel pretty great. I have made significant changes in my diet because I am a believer that there are a lot of health issues that are related to what u eat and don’t eat. Since doing that, I have been able to get off of all anxiety medications and sleeping medications which I am thrilled about. I hate medication but sometimes it’s necessary. I am so happy that I have been able to be free of medication without seeing any problems return.  I am trying to stay connected and involved in the lymphoma research foundation. I am participating in the walk for a cure event happening this coming Saturday around lake Nokomis. I am super excited about that. I will also be fundraising for the Relay for Life coming up as well! Research is so incredibly important. I never realized this before, quite as much as I do now obviously having been through it myself.  Not only does research go towards finding a cure, but it improves cancer treetments and provides more options to those who do not respond to standard treatments. It provides hope. And when you get a cancer diagnosis, you need hope. Sometimes hope is all you have. And that goes for any disease, not just cancer. Please donate to foundations important to you and please always remember to thank God for your health and pray for those not in good health. ☺️

   
   

Rebirth!

I had an absolutely amazing Easter. I hope all of you did as well! Easter this year was the grand opening for my church’s brand new building! And for some reason it was extremely emotional for me. I don’t like to cry because when I start I can’t stop, but seeing the brand new building after attending a much smaller one for over a year now, seeing it packed shoulder to shoulder and celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ was incredible and so much more meaningful to me this year than ever before. I felt like I was in the right place at that moment and in my life. I believe that you can feel to when you are following Gods path and I believe that you can feel it when you are not. I feel more connected than ever before and Easter reminded me of second chances in life. I believe we are all given second chances. Some more obvious than others and I believe that if we open our eyes to what it is in our own life, we will be able to serve God and walk the path He chose for us! Life is so much more fulfilling when you have a purpose and when your purpose is more than serving yourself. Living an egocentric life is so empty. The saying “what goes around comes around” couldn’t be more true. If you put out negativity into the world, you will get negativity back. If you put out positivity, you will get positivity back. It’s just the way it goes. If you are stuck in self pity and are angry at the world, nothing is going to change until you do. Believe me. Before my cancer diagnosis I was a negative nelly. I was full of sarcasm, negativity, bitterness, I was trying to control too many things in my life that really weren’t in my control, I looked for the worst in people to protect myself, I felt life was unfair, then I got cancer. Well life is really unfair now!!! That’s when I decided to focus on only the positive during what most would agree is one of the most unfair things that could happen in the world! Positive attracts positive. Negative attracts negative. This is one reason why I started my blog in the first place, so I could force myself to be positive, I didn’t want to come on here day after day and look like Debbie downer. Plus I knew I would get so much encouragement from others. During this whole journey of focusing on the positive I have seen miracles happen in my life. Ofcourse I had good days and bad, I certainly wasn’t always a ray of sunshine and I still struggle with sarcasm but my glass is always half full now, not half empty. As soon as you change yourself, everything around you changes. YOU are the one variable in your life that you can change. I focused my attention before on changing everyone and everything else around ME, well that doesn’t do anything because it doesn’t work. I have been dealt some difficult cards in my lifetime, and I spent a fair amount is time in self pity. Since I have closed that door, I have never been happier in my life. My attitude towards life is incredible. I look for the best in people, not the worst. I look for the best in myself, not the worst. I handle stress and frustration so differently now. I take offense less. So many positive people have come into my life while the negative ones have drifted away. Everything has a purpose and a reason. Life is one big lesson and if we are not growing, we are not living. This Easter was a huge reminder of the second chance that I was given.

I have officially changed my heading from “I have cancer and this is my story” to “I had cancer and this is my story”. Please subscribe by entering your email below to get notified of new posts. Email will never be shared with anyone else. Thank you!

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April fools day

Wow I did not realize until now that it is April 1st and I did not fool a single person today! What a waste! So I am about 2 and a half months cancer free at this point. I am trying my hardest to adjust to life after cancer. I have to say the first month was easier. As time goes on. I get farther and farther away from the day I knew for sure the cancer was gone. Farther away from constant check in’s with the doctors and nurses. Farther away from people constantly surrounding me with support and concern. The farther away I become, the busier I try to make myself and the more dogs I accumulate. I am up to 4 now! Lol. When I give myself too much time to think, I start to worry. I worry about every little pain and every little headache. My days of worry free normal aches and pains are long gone. I just got over an ear infection that was sure was brain cancer before I went into the doctor. When you get cancer, you get used to being a patient. Being taken care of. Being assured that you are okay. Being blasted with calls and texts and visits. Then it just stops, and it feels a little like there is no safety net. It feels lonely. It feels like life for everyone else goes back to normal and it feels like people expect yours to as well, but it doesn’t. Most people think it’s a relief to be done. I’m very grateful to be done and be healthy, however, it’s sad to see such an important chapter and such important people who helped save my life, come to an end so suddenly. And for some reason it is just hard to adjust from cancer patient to cancer survivor and then to normal. I am now adjusting to cancer survivor but haven’t had enough time, my hair is growing so fast I now need to adjust quickly to just normal person with short hair. For a period of time, my hair made me look like a cancer survivor. Which is great of course. But now most people just think it’s a short haircut and it doesn’t feel normal to me yet to not tell every person I meet that I have cancer. I still feel like I have to tell people. I still feel like that is who I am and that is how people see me. I learned to be proud about that but now it feels like a part of me is missing. An important part. Even though it’s a good thing, it just feels so different it is difficult to put into words. The shift from “I have cancer” to “I had cancer” is hard because I still haven’t fully adjusted to the thought of having cancer and I don’t think I ever will. But, thankfully I focus little on the negative and more on the positive. I am very happy that my hair is growing so fast. I am so thankful to be alive and healthy. I am so grateful for all of my friends and family. I am so grateful for the lesson this has taught me about life and how fragile it really is. I was in need of a reality check and I got it. God works in funny ways that sometimes do not seem fair, but I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I am so grateful that I have been given the ability to see the true meaning in all of this. Few photos below of my hair growth so far!
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Living life! Loving life!

So I am about one month and a half post chemo. I’m getting a lot of my energy back!!! I am also taking the time to take a small nap some days. Like a half hour if I can. It helps so much. I have been so busy with a new company I am working with. I’m so passionate about it and it has been keeping me super busy which helps me so much. I have begun going to sisterhood at church! Every Wednesday morning I get to go hang out with about maybe 50 other woman. Listen to a sermon and then chat with the wonderful girls in my group that I just met and every single one of them is so kind. We all just went out to dinner together as well. So amazing. I’m so happy to have made new friends. I love meeting new people and growing as a person. Having cancer has definitely caused me to be more involved in things. Get outside of my comfort zone. Getting out there. Doing more things. Doing things I never would have dreamed of doing before. Doing things that I would always say I’ll do someday. Well I don’t wait for someday anymore. I just do it and it has enriched my life in so many ways. I am becoming so much closer to God through all of this as well. I love meeting new people and learning their stories. Everyone is an individual. Everyone has a story. Everyone is important. I just love people so much. I love life. I love that I am now living my life. I still have my days that aren’t so good. But they aren’t really days. Just moments. For instance today I was having a ton of trouble getting a DVD to play. I’m just not good with technology and my tv is so high tech I was getting so frustrated. And I notice that when I get frustrated my mind goes to my cancer. My mind repeatedly reminds me that I had cancer and tries to bring down my mood and destroy my patience. I know it’s just evil trying to work it’s way into my life but I have learned that I just cannot let that happen. I have to rise above it. I know that cancer made me stronger. It has made me a better person. I am not a ruined because of cancer. I am not unlucky or damaged or cursed. I was chosen to go through this for a reason! And I believe that everything happens for a reason you just have to willing to find the reason and accept the reason. You have to learn to let go and stop trying to control what you cannot control. Sometimes it’s when u let go of control that God can do the most work inside of you. We grow so much when we just let go and let God. We grow. We learn. We find peace. It is truly amazing. Life is beautiful. And if it’s not beautiful that just means it’s time to let go. Give it all to God and believe that He will do the work. He will restore. He will renew. He will transform. He will fill empty holes. It’s amazing.
Now about they hair. It’s growing fast!!! Eyelashes are back also completely!!! Eyebrows growing but not back fully. Memory NOT back yet. That has been my biggest struggle. I just get things backwards. I don’t remember things people tell me. I can’t find the words that I want to use. My vocab is not as big as it used to be and my spelling is bad. I NEVER used to spell things wrong it’s like a pet peeve for me. So it’s frustrating to say the least when I can’t spell a word. I guess I can live with that tho. The weather is getting so nice!!! I have been able to go without anything on my head. I get a lot of stares but I’m so used to that now I just don’t care! 😘 life is too short to worry about what others think! You do you!

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Post chemo update – one month

Wow time flies when you are having fun. I cannot believe it will be one month cancer free on Sunday. It’s so hard to believe. I have been so super busy. Wonderful things are happening. I have meet so any great people. I have become involved in so many great things. It just feels amazing. I feel amazing. I’m finally getting my energy back. I have been back to the gym a few times and trying to commit to 3 times a week to start. I still get out of breath easily but I’ll be back to normal soon enough. Unfortunately my no shaving days are over. It’s bitter sweet I guess. It was super nice not having to shave I think I may just invest in some laser hair removal lol. But that also means I am getting some hair back on my head!!! I’ll post a pic at the end. It took awhile to start bit I think it’s pretty good for one month! I also officially got my port removed about 2 weeks ago!!! That was kind of what made it all official that cancer is really behind me now. I was happy and relieved to get that out. I was looking forward to that in more ways than one. Although surgery sucks. The meds aren’t all that bad lol. But I am happy it’s OVER!! Last Thursday I went to a Gala for the Lymphoma Research Foundation. It was held in Minneapolis. I was invited by my daughters dance teacher who is heavily involved with the lymphoma research foundation and I hope to be involved also!!! Raising money for research is so incredibly important. Yes we all hope for a cute. But until that day comes, through research, new treatments, better and more effective treatments are being discovered. I can relate to the importance of that. When I was diagnosed I had two options. The standard rchop that has been around forever, and has a 65% success rate, or epoch which just became available here a few MONTHS prior to my diagnosis, this one had a 90% success rate and went exactly as planned. So even though we are getting closer to a cure, all the research isn’t going to waste! I’m so excited to be involved with the lymphoma research foundation. I never imagined getting cancer at 29 but I also never imagined where it would take me. Everything is falling into place. I absolutely love waking up every single day feeling so grateful for another day. I have so many new friendships. I am so much closer with my family. I am closer to God and learning new ways every day how to be closer to God. I am proactive in life now rather than letting it just pass me by waiting for something magical to happen not even knowing what magical would look like. You get to make the magic in your life. And that is so powerful once you truly understand that. No one else is going to do it for you. And it’s not going to just appear like you would think magic would. We all know magic isn’t real. It’s created. For entertainment. Magicians have a passion for magic. They want to make people happy. Once you have that same passion for life, you too want to make people happy. And in return it makes you happy. Boom. Magic. So there you go. I’m super sleepy now so I will post again soon!! 😄

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Heavy heart

I’m having an emotional day today. A wonderful woman that goes to the same church as myself passed away this morning. She has been battling breast cancer for a while now and the treatments stopped working. She leaves behind a family including teenage children. She reached out to me on Facebook a while back and I feel terrible I never got back to her, I was also fighting my own battle. But I feel like I missed a great opportunity to know her. I have only cried few times since being diagnosed. One was when I was first told that I had a large mass in my chest. There two other times in the hospital, I witnessed two people lose their battle. They were both across the hall from me so as I sat in my bed those nights I watched all of it unfold through my door window. There is a special connection to others fighting the same battle, even those I don’t know, and when someone passes to this horrible disease I feel a little defeated and guilty at the same time. The emotions are rely starting to come out now. Before I think it was just so much adrenaline and I was on a mission! I just pray for her (Bethany) and her family. I pray they stick together and stay close to God. Please keep them in your prayers as well!

Re-Mission Accomplished!!

Last Thursday I officially went I to remission! Very exciting day! I started the day at about 10:30 with a PET SCAN at Abbott. I could not eat anything in the morning. They flushed my veins with some dye then I had to take a one hour nap in a dark room with warm blankets and drink a bottle of water. This time I didn’t have to drink the icky milky chalky stuff. Probably because my first scan was at a different location with different protocols. So after an hour they woke me up. Brought me to the exam room. This was another half hour nap. I just had to lay very still for about 25 minutes in the machine while it scans my body from my head to my knees. Then I was free to go. We went and had some lunch and then I had to be to my doctors office around 3 for the results. First I had my blood taken and then I was called to my room where the nurse informed me of a perfectly clean pet scan. I wasn’t expecting to hear it from her so it was a surprise, but it was a great moment. For me it was just part of the job. It felt like checking another thing off the list. My family was very excited. Everyone was relieved that this is over. However for me, it doesn’t feel “over”. Although I am VERY happy and grateful for my clean scan and to be cancer free. It is just very emotional and surreal and the same time, as well as scary. It’s the end of one thing. But the beginning of another. Life AFTER cancer. That’s all new territory for me. I finally got used to life WITH cancer. And I was used to life BEFORE cancer. Now this life AFTER cancer thing is totally new. I am extremely grateful to get to experience life after cancer. Not everyone does. It feels a little like there is more weight on my shoulders. I feel like I am going to expect more out of myself now. I think it’s a little but similar to survivors guilt. Like I have to make this second chance worth it. Not everyone survives cancer and so I feel a little overwhelmed and very blessed at the same time. I’m not sure which emotion to feed. I’m thankful that my daughters dance teacher, who is also a lymphoma and breast cancer survivor, understands all of this so I know what I’m feeling a totally normal. I do,however, have a new perspective on life that is incredible. Absolutely incredible. I just want to do so much now. I was living life before but just not to it’s/my full potential I guess. I just wasn’t getting much out of it. Where now i try not to let anything hold me back. Really the worst words a person could imagine hearing are “you have cancer”. That is the absolute worst thing to have to go through emotionally. And I have already been there and done that and gotten through it. So really in my mind if I start to get scared about something or scared to do something outside of my comfort zone, I just remind myself that this isn’t going to kill me. I know what can kill me and this isn’t it. If I screw something up or it doesn’t go as planned. Life goes on. It really does. After getting the news of the clean scan my doctor came in. He was incredibly excited for me. My doctor is also a cancer survivor. He knows what I’m going thru. He reminded me of the amazing new attitude towards life that we now both have, and to never forget it. He is such a positive and amazing person. He pulled up on the computer the picture of my scan which was a picture of my whole body in kind of an xray form and NOTHING was lighting up that shouldn’t be! He then used the mouse to scroll the scan side to side so it looked like I was dancing and yelling “look at me, no cancer!” It was pretty hilarious actually. Luckily I got a doctor who used to be a comedian! Other than that I don’t really remember anything else that happened in the room. Just a big blur really. But he did give me a great big hug and told me to come back in 6 months. Now I usually hear in other cases to come back in 3 months but he said because things went so well it will be 6. So that’s great but now what? Just go back to normal life? Not that easy but I will do my best!!! I will continue to pray and try not to worry too much. I want to thank every single person who has been with me on this journey. All of my family and friends. Everyone who read my blog, everyone who commented, everyone who prayed for me, visited me, everyone who contributed to making my life easier during this difficult time, everyone who helped with my daughter. I feel like I’m accepting an oscar and the music is starting to play. So let’s just say all of my family, all of my friends, all of my dance family and church friends. It’s been a roller coaster but I’m so thankful to be alive!

Below is an article I found today about life after cancer. May be helpful to some other cancer survivors out there!

http://www.latimes.com/opinion/opinion-la/la-ol-cancer-treatment-psychosocial-healthcare-20150121-story.html

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